Self Care Post-Illness
Three months ago, I was in the hospital for a few days with a rare infection. I pitched this article as “self-care after being really fucking sick,” envisioning coming out the other side of recovery with sage advice to dispense and a — zest for life, like a character in a Victorian novel sent to the countryside to improve her constitution.
It hasn’t quite been like that. I have anxiety, and being really fucking sick has done a number on my body, mental health, and sense of stability in ways that are far from over. However, I’m powering through, and I know I’m far from the only person with this kind of experience, so I wanted to share some thoughts on what’s helped me put one foot in front of the other.
Before that, I want to acknowledge some ways in which I was super lucky. I’m a grad student, and though my teaching assistant position does keep me right around the poverty line, it also provides me with access to excellent health insurance and medical care. My mom was able to fly out from NYC to Wisconsin to stay with me, and my parents were able to help out with medical bills. My school was very accommodating, and I didn’t have to worry about missing a paycheck during the weeks that I was out of commission. I know these privileges are rare and I’m unbelievably thankful for them.
So, with my basic physical and financial needs taken care of, here are the things that are helping me through this process:
MY FRIENDS: This is probably the biggest one. When I first got home from the hospital, it felt great to laugh with my friends on the phone about the ridiculous aspects of my situation (I’ll spare you the details, but it did involve my butt). To be honest, laughing about it was the mode I gravitated towards the most. I didn’t want to dwell on my negative feelings; I wanted to come across as independent and capable. Turns out that repressing those negative feelings was not the move! I found myself starting to get resentful of friends for not reaching out soon enough, or often enough, or with the right tone, which in turn made me feel confused and guilty. I started pushing myself to reach out more to friends when I was feeling sad or stressed or otherwise bad about my situation. Now, when I’m having a paranoid flashback because something in my body feels slightly off, I let them know so they can gently but firmly remind me to get off WebMD, as best friends do.
NAIL POLISH (and other silly things): A lot of the language of “self-care” has sadly been co-opted by the corporate wellness industry, which wants us to distract ourselves with face masks and bubble baths while other, more important shit is going on. But honestly, some friends sent me nail polish and it put me in a really good mood — it helped to feel like some part of me looked nice while my body felt like it was in disrepair. Other things to file under this category include: taking long-ass hot showers, my trusty gold and snail under-eye patches, scented candles , and a plethora of soothing and invigorating reality TV fare including Vanderpump Rules, Love Island, and The Challenge.
MY ANXIETY MEDICATION: I, like many people, have a benzo prescription for anxiety. Also i , like many people, have a complicated relationship with said medication. To paraphrase an old tweet from Arabelle Sicardi: love to experience anxiety, take my anxiety medication, then experience more anxiety about taking my anxiety medication that keeps me from taking my anxiety medication. The experience of being sick has really brought to light the specific way that my anxiety manifests: it’s a constant, quiet, background hum that my brain works overtime to correct. It’s like my brain is trying to trick me into thinking something’s always wrong, so I’m trying to trick my brain back by convincing it everything is always okay. This gets tough when I really do need to judge my physical wellness. Am I actually in pain? Do I actually have a fever ? Or is this just the experience of being a human person with a body? I think it’ll take a while for me to not feel heightened anxiety around my medication, but something that’s really helped is –taking my prescribed medication as prescribed. Who knew?
EXERCISE: Right when I got sick, I had just gotten back into a solid exercise routine that worked for me (barre classes, at the time – at Shaktibarre when I was home in NYC, and at Barre3 in Wisconsin). After being sick, I developed a real mental block about exercising: I was afraid of exerting myself too much, and ultimately closing the door on the “sickness” chapter of my life — only for it to flare up again. But as any doctor, therapist, or generally wise person will tell you, exercise is key to both physical and mental health. So, to start off slow, I’ve committed myself to 10,000 steps every day. It might not sound like a lot, but it’s 4.5 miles! More importantly, it’s a goal I’ve found manageable. I’m incorporating more walking into my daily life (like walking the 2 miles to campus instead of taking the bus) and taking walks just to exercise. Often, while talking to friends on the phone or listening to music. It helps that I live near this beautiful lake, and can also use these walks to reflect and enjoy spending time in nature.
Image of Lake Mendota in Madison, WI at sunset by Lily Shell.
PATIENCE: To revisit the idea of self-care (and how it’s so much more than what Donna and Tom taught us on Parks and Rec), I recently read about the idea of self-care as parenting your six-year-old self, and I really like that way of looking at it. To me, that means: am I being nice to myself in this moment? Am I making sure my basic stuff is taken care of, like eating well, brushing my teeth twice a day, exercising, and trying to make sure I sleep well? It also means: am I treating myself with compassion, forgiveness, and patience? I’m trying, and thinking of it in this way has helped me reframe my relationship with both my brain and my body, and has taken some pressure off of myself as I navigate an experience I’ve never had before.
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A version of this essay appears in the anthology Fast Funny Women, compiled and edited by Gina Barecca and forthcoming in 2020 from Woodhall Press.
Lily Shell is a grad student in Interdisciplinary Theatre Studies at The University of Wisconsin-Madison. When she’s not on her porch swing there, she’s in NYC or Vermont, or online yelling into the void about TV and/or Harry Styles – take a look on Twitter or Instagram.
Caroline Reedy is a Brooklyn based digital artist, who has been mixing comedy with pastel colors since 2016. Her work is mainly inspired by pop art portraiture, mental health advocacy, and internet culture. She has had her work featured on Overheard New York/LA, Link NYC, and Hello Tittie. Check out her work on her instagram at @doot_doodles.
